To Telling Only Lies
by agrove
Summary: Alternative ending to Behind Blue Eyes.


**Here's the darker alternative ending to Behind Blue Eyes. Special thanks to Nadreth for this awesome idea! This would take place after chapter twenty-one of Behind Blue Eyes.**

* * *

_Ryan was quiet for a moment before raising the gun and pointing it at his head with a twisted smirk. "You're right. Goodbye."_

With a squeeze of the trigger Javier Esposito's life came tumbling down around him. _  
_

He couldn't scream, couldn't move, couldn't speak. He just stood there in shock and fear as the bullet erupted out of the barrel at 1200fps and into Banks' forehead before exploding out the back of his skull dragging long most of his brain and head. The detective's body fell to the hard unforgiving asphalt beneath him as blood instantly began to gush from his forehead and into his hairline, small lines cascading down across his lax eye lids. Not wasting anytime Ryan yanked his shirt free from his slacks and wiped down the gun before carefully putting it back into it's holster and snapping the leather closed with the small pop of a button. "Ya stupid fucking prick, make more work for me," he grumbled as he stood up and stared down with a slight cock to his head. "I guess I should keep ya where ya are, blame it on gang violence. Saves my back too. Well I'm off you sorry sack, can't say I'm too choked up about this one." With a smirk he turned to head back to the bar.

Esposito barely pulled himself back inside before he was spotted and smashed himself against the wall as he tried valiantly to get his breathing under control. This was just a bad dream, just a nightmare. That was the only logical explanation because Ryan didn't just go around killing people. He had a big heart and never enjoyed taking lives, he only did it because Ed had forced him to. Right? _Right?_

Ryan pushed open the door and walked in expecting to go to the restroom to wash Banks blood off his skin and clothes as well as he could but paused when he noticed his boyfriend. Switching tactics he forced a frightened expression and looked at him with wide eyes. "Javi, thank God. Someone just gunned down Banks in the alley. You've got to call an ambulance, he might still be alive. I ran away, I was so scared. I think it was the mob!"

With every word, with every lie he felt his heart break a little bit more. Where was the Kevin he fell in love with? Where was the adorable, dorky, and almost shy Irishman that had been sharing his bed? Why was Ryan lying to his face? "You're lying," he said quietly, his tone strained.

Something akin to anger and surprise flickered in his blue eyes before it was gone a second later. "What are you talking about? Banks is dying," he said slightly hysterically.

Esposito closed his eyes for a moment and sucked in a deep breath before opening them again and staring at his boyfriend. "No he's not. He's dead. Because you shot him. With his own gun."

"You... you saw that," Ryan stated in a remarkably calm tone. "Well that puts a kink into everything." It was like watching another person take over his body. He pulled himself to his full height and crossed his arms as his now steely gaze locked onto Esposito. "He was in with Conor, he was trying to kill me. I mean look at me, I'm bleeding all over the damn place. That was not on me."

"You can't try to justify murdering someone," he said sadly. "Doesn't work like that Kevin. You killed him, and after the things he said..."

Ryan huffed in annoyance and rolled his eyes, the gesture crude and unfamiliar under the circumstances. "You want the truth fine but come on Javi, let's be real. You don't want to hear it. Let's just act like this didn't happen and move on alright?"

"Tell me the truth, you owe me that much."

"The truth is..." he began before breaking off and looking up at him earnestly. It was such a Ryan gaze that it took his breath away. "Don't make me do this Javi, please? I love you. I messed up ok? I'm sorry."

"God stop lying!" he hissed, anger taking over all other emotions. "Just stop lying and tell me what the fuck I just saw because it sure wasn't the Kevin I know."

Ryan chewed on his bottom lip before spinning and exiting out into the alleyway, Esposito right behind him. "This is me, this is Quiet Ryan. The Kevin you think you know doesn't exist, he died the day he watched his parents get murdered for absolutely no reason. Conor took what was rightfully mine and you helped me get it back." He waited until understanding dawned on Javier's face. "I was supposed to take over for Edmund and that little self righteous prick stole everything from me. When you walked into the bar it was like a sign from God. It was easy getting you to trust me and doing all my dirty work for me. I never had to lift a finger to take down everyone around me, you paved the way to the top just for me. You took down Conor, and Gorgeous, and Handsome, and everyone else that stood in my way. Two-Step was an unexpected casualty but there was bound to be some collateral damage."

"Oh my God," he said before repeating it louder. "Oh my God! You played all of us. It's you!"

Ryan held out his arms proudly, "Me. The new boss of the Irish mob, all thanks to you. You restored balance and helped me take my rightful spot. I wasn't going to tell you yet, not until I thought you'd be more comfortable with the idea but Banks took that decision out of my hands."

Esposito wrapped his hands around his knees and dropped his head to try to stop himself from passing out. "I loved you," he said in a broken and grief filled tone. "I loved you," he said again to himself.

"No! Don't say that!" Ryan said frantically as he ran over and hesitated only a few inches away. "I love you, God do I love you. I never lied about that, ever. You were a means to an end for me in the beginning but it turned into something I could never have imagined. Never doubt how much I love you, I could never lie about that. You're my everything Javi. Please don't say loved. Please."

The words sounded so sincere that an entirely new wave of emotion filled Esposito and he slid down the wall when his legs couldn't support him anymore. "I want to believe you but look at you Kev. Look at what you've done and are going to do."

Ryan dropped down and placed an unsure and trembling hand on his shoulder, "I did what I had to to protect my home. The mob isn't some group of assholes Javi, it's my life. It's like a fucking child to me and I couldn't stand back and watch Conor run it into the ground. I'd never hurt you, or any of my new friends. You, and Alexis, Castle, and Beckett, you're all amazing people that I would never hurt. I'll even move the business out of the 12th precinct's jurisdiction so you don't have to worry about it. This is a good thing and I know you'll see it my way over time. I'm not a bad guy Javi, I'll be a good boss. If you just listen to me everything can be exactly like it was. All you have to do is walk back inside and forget this ever happened."

With his calm, soothing voice floating over him it all sounded so simple. He could just ignore this and continue living his life which was going pretty damn well lately. He could wake up and go to work before coming home to his boyfriend that he loved and their dog which was more like a child than an animal. It all sounded so good, but it was a lie. Everything was. "No. I can't do that." With more strength and confidence than he felt he pulled himself up and met Ryan's weary gaze. "What else have you lied about? What else don't I know?"

Ryan stepped back a little and stuck his hand into his pockets. "That I'm a lot more involved than you think. Everything was mostly true except for some of my transgressions. I've... had to take action on people threatening my way of life more times than I... originally divulged."

"How many?" he asked angrily.

"I've killed thirty-eight people Javi, including the two vics you guys were looking in to. I'm the one that killed them to draw out the brother. I don't appreciate people taking things from me and not paying for them," he said in an almost conversational tone. "I didn't want to kill them but some things just have to be done and you can't reach the top if you're afraid to get your hands a little dirty. I killed her first, so she wouldn't have to watch her husband die."

"And that makes it better?" he asked as he forced down the contents of his stomach which were trying to come up. "You watched the woman you love die, then you do this to someone else? What would Jenny think?"

"It doesn't matter what she would think because she's dead," he spat. "Conor took her from me. I wasn't born an animal, the world just turned me into one."

The alleyway was filled with silence as both stood quietly wondering what in the world was going to happen next.

_"What's been heard can never be unheard. I will always be a murderer, a thing to you. I'm not stupid, I know how this ends."_

_"Guy like me? I'm not made for what you do. I watch bad things happen, I don't prevent them."_

_"I never lied about who I was."_

_"It was fun while it lasted and if we're being honest we both knew this would end badly."_

God it had been so obvious, he just hadn't wanted to see it. With a lump in his throat Esposito reached into the waistband of his jeans and pulled out his gun. "Kevin Ryan, you are under arrest for the murder of..."

"You're fucking kidding me!" Ryan shouted in disbelief. "I love you! Don't do this to me!"

"I have to!"

Ryan released a loud curse before shaking his head. "I won't go to prison, not when I have so much to gain and so much to lose. You can either let me go or shoot me where I stand because there's no way in hell I'm letting you cuff me." When Esposito never moved he nodded and took a step back. "You'll never see me again. I'm sorry it had to turn out like this. I really do love you." He turned to walk away but froze when he heard the safety being clicked off.

"I can't let you walk away."

Ryan whipped around and with sure steps made his way to his boyfriend and stood flush against him, the gun digging into his stomach. "Then pull that trigger. Kill the man you love." Neither moved, both unwilling to crack first under the tense stalemate. Ryan was the first to break, unable to handle the pressure. "Just fucking do it! Shoot me! I'm just going to keep dealing and killing because that's what I do! If you let me walk away that blood is on your hands! Put a fucking bullet in me!" he screamed.

It was so quick that for a second Ryan didn't even understand what happened, it was only when his legs gave out and Esposito caught him did he realize there was a gaping hole through his torso and the smell of gunpowder inside his nose. "You... you shot me..." he said in disbelief as he looked up with huge fearful eyes.

Javier grabbed him tightly as he sagged against him and lowered them both to the ground as blood began to seep from the wound onto both their clothes. Hot tears pooled in his mocha eyes before running down his cheeks as a sob broke forth from his lips. When he met Ryan's eyes he was confused by the quiet acceptance and the lack of anger and betrayal.

Ryan stared up at the night sky for a moment before he looked at Esposito and offered a small smile, blood staining his normally perfect teeth. "Don't feel guilty, did wh't you had to. Why I love you."

Knowing it was pointless he hurried on to explain, his voice choked and hoarse. "I couldn't let you walk away, I couldn't and I can't put you in prison. You deserve better than that. I didn't know what to do. I... I..."

A shaking hand reached up and after pressing a finger to his lips he ran it down his cheek softly. "Th'k you. Di'nt want to g' to jail. You gave me 'n out. Take c're of Keller."

The reality of what was happening was starting to sink in and he quickly pressed a hand to his stomach to try to slow the steady flow of blood, panic overtaking him. He had shot his boyfriend in some sick twisted way of trying to help him. Instead of sentencing him to life in prison and a life of heartbreak for both he had taken matters into his own hands. He was no better than Kevin. Kevin, who was bleeding out. Kevin, who he loved. Kevin, who was his everything. Kevin, who he couldn't live without. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Please, I'm sorry."

"Love y'u Javi," he whispered tiredly before his body relaxed in his grip.

Even though the blood still flowed warm and sticky over his fingers Kevin's eyes were now unseeing. The blue eyes that he loved, blue eyes that held so much promise for such a bright future now stared blankly at the heavens. He gripped him tighter to his chest, unwilling to let him go just yet, and rocked back and forth as anguished sobs echoed off the brick walls around them. He had never felt so alone, so fearful of the future. He had never felt so lost, so conflicted. Had he done the right thing? The ache that spread through him was unbearable as it became hard to breathe, his entire body shaking uncontrollably as he cried into the shoulder of the person he would never see again. He would never again see freckles span across pale skin, never see soft auburn hair shine brightly in the morning sunlight, never see perfect white teeth between smiling pale pink lips again.

And his eyes.

God those eyes were never made to look like this. So dead and dull, so... empty.

With a shuddered breath he clenched his lids closed again and lowered his head to drop a feather light kiss onto his boyfriend's forehead. "I love you too Kev."


End file.
